Peace

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

First Thing:

This past week has been the hardest week of my life.  Harder than when Nate left for Iraq.  My dearest grandmother passed away.  She was such a beautiful person and my heart aches without her.  I used to talk with her about every week and would look forward to seeing her every chance I got.  She taught me so much about being a godly woman, about living life, and being a good wife.  We traveled back to Colorado this week to celebrate her life and for the first time in my life I heard my grandpa cry (which was probably the hardest part of the trip).  On a lighter note, I did get to see a lot of my cousins and I mean a lot.  In the photo below, not even all of them are there. It's blurry but I'll find a better one.

When I got home, it was time to celebrate Nate's birthday.  So we did.  I bought him an assorted six-pack of his favorite beers, made pesto cavatappi (a knock off version of Noodle's & Co. found here.) because it's green, and baked Guinness chocolate cupcakes with Bailey's Irish Cream cream cheese frosting.  I made them in 1/2 pint mason jars to test it out before the wedding shower I'm hosting this weekend.  They are so good.  They are so good I could eat them every night for the rest of my life, literally.  Despite the fact that he had to report for guard at 3:30 AM on Sunday morning, he said it was the best birthday ever.  He's 26 now, which means he's on the downward slope to 30. . . . YIKES!

Today I spent the afternoon with my family and we went through my grandmother's jewelry, dividing it up among the "five girls".  I was blessed enough to end up with her wedding rings; the first one my grandfather gave my grandmother and the second one he gave her later once he saved enough money to buy her a bigger one.  We will be getting them appraised, so for now I will be wearing my grandmother's original wedding band.  It's so nice to have a special piece of her so close to me.

All I can say is . . . "it is well with my soul". That has been my comfort as of late.

Nate has been a true gentleman through all of this and has been a tremendous comfort.  I can go to sleep without him by my side and he's been so patient, kind, and comforting.  He's a special guy and I'm excited I get to spend the rest of my life with him.  I hope to be married to him for 59 years like my grandparents.

Invincibility

First Thing:
We're not all invincible.  Even those we think are, are most definitely not.

Second Thing:
We're going out of town this weekend.  Only now I wish it was to somewhere else.

Yes, Bean Pie

First Thing:
Yes, I like bean pie.  I wanted to get past this experience as soon as possible.  Nate loved it growing up.  It looks disgusting before you bake it.  It sounds disgusting when you say it.  It is disgusting when you read the recipe.  However, it is actually pretty good.  It's even better when my husband makes it and I don't have to do anything but enjoy it.

Second Thing:
I enjoyed a nice glass of Riesling tonight.  More than one in fact.  It's because my wonderful husband bought it for me at the store.  He bought my favorite brand and type of white wine. We've enjoyed the wine and have already finished the bottle.  (shhhh..... don't tell).  AND HE BOUGHT ME ORANGES!

Third Thing:
We are presently enjoying the movie RED.  It is hilarious.  Nate told me Bruce Willis was discovered as a bartender.  I'm going to have to research this tomorrow because after the movie, I AM GOING TO BED.

"People mostly get paper cuts, not shot!"
"No, mostly I get shot."

Fourth Thing:
Nate suggested we toast to Doozy's tonight.  I cried.
I actually cried.
It's because I miss Lincoln (and because I have such fond memories of the beginning of our relationship).  AND BECAUSE IT'S DELICIOUS!

Fifth Thing:
Yesterday, it felt a little like Nebraska.  They weather was Nebraska on a good, normal winter day.

Sixth Thing:
Erik Howard.  I am praying for you and your surgery.  You are the reason Nate and I are happily married.  You are the link that brought us together.  For that, I love you.  For you, I am grateful.  You are Nate's dearest friend.  Every night we'll pray for your brain tumor.  We pray for your surgery.  We pray for your recovery. We pray for your healing.

And thanks a million for the wonderful future you've provided me with (MOSTLY thanks to God, but a little to you, ; ) . . . you're the greatest).
Love you always, Erik Paul Howard.

When will this sidewalk end?

First Thing (and the only thing):
This can't possibly be the end of everything that appeared so promising 12 months ago.  On this date exactly one year ago I was preparing my heart to say goodbye to my fiance for 8  months of active duty in Iraq, I was preparing my mind for 9 months of hard work towards graduating and thesis completion, and I was embracing the last months I had with my best friends.
Now my husband is here to stay for at least the next two years, thank goodness, I have a degree and nothing to show for it, and I miss the college environment and my roommates/best friends who are now all over the country.
I keep thinking that this can't possibly be the end of all that seemed so promising a year ago.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein 

There is a very long sidewalk I am walking and I can't seem to find the chalk-white arrows that will lead me to the place with the cool peppermint wind.  It feels, instead, that I am walking through the dark street winds and bends.  Everyday it is more of the same: more of the same questions.

Name:

Email:

Phone:

Address:

Previous Employment:

Education:

Blah. Blah.  Blah.

Five on Wednesday, none on Thursday, two on Friday, and Saturday provides the *wonderful* opportunity of more.  I have so many user names and passwords that I can't keep them straight.  My resumes and cover letters say Amanda Villegas Norton because my email still says villegas without a norton.
It really does seem that this sidewalk will never end.  This mundane job of  applications becomes a task I despise because of its repetitive nature and its lack of results.
A college degree literally means nothing.  All those hours I poured over my books in college to maintain that GPA and graduate with some kind of honor offers me nothing in return but the feeling of inadequacy.  I am seriously considering some sort of technical school because maybe that will give me a chance.  Maybe I can start in the construction business . . . my husband seems to be bringing home some money.
This joblessness is offering me nothing but feelings of depression and guilt.  Guilt because Nate needs to start school and I need to have a job.  I need to contribute to our little family.
I'm starting to think I should have a child. . . that way I won't feel like such a bum as a stay at home wife and I'll actually have things to do while I'm at home (besides look for jobs and thank you notes and cooking and cleaning) like take care of a child.  That will give me some sort of fulfillment as job hunting leaves me severely lacking in everything but inadequacy and guilt.
But, we can't afford that now.  So it looks like I'm out of luck.
I am tired of hearing that something will come and that God will provide.  I know that.  I really do know that and to be honest sometimes it gets annoying hearing that.  I know people don't know what else to say and I know that they are trying to console a bruised spirit.   However, I know that God always pulls through . . . but that doesn't stop the present from feeling dreary.
This is a long rambling of thoughts but it was the only way to stop the tears from coming, especially since I'm in a public place and crying accomplishes nothing.

Someday this sidewalk will end and I'll be at the place where the sun burns crimson bright.

Time slips by

I will warn you that this post is a lot of rambling and kind of childish. I will also warn you that I try really hard not to complain or talk about Nate being in Iraq a lot to those who I'm not close with (or to some of those I am) but . . . most of the people who follow this blog are close friends and will put up with my antics (or patient and nice). So, I will say that yes, this is about Nate and it is about Iraq. I'm not trying to whine. I'm not trying to show off. I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me. I just need to release this anxiety and I want to share the small lesson I learned to do (that's really not that small).

First Thing:
Usually when Nate has to go all of a sudden the next time I talk to him I ask the question, "What happened or can you not tell me?" He always responds with I'll tell you when I get home and I say okay and move along with my thoughts. Today, he had to go all of a sudden and then got back on about 5 minutes later. So the usual question was asked but the usual answer was not given. He responded with, "we got hit". He then proceeded to tell me he went outside (not under cover like they are "supposed" to) and that it happens almost every day I could my stomach rise into my chest and the goosebumps cover my body and everything seemed to happen in slow motion for the next few minutes after that. My question to you, Mr. Nate Norton (because I know you read this sometimes) is, "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?" He responded with, "I guess I thought it'd be okay since we're near the end and stuff". That does not make it any less dangerous.
As a rule of thumb he does not share any dangerous things with me and I get to sleep a little easier at night. Tonight, I will not be sleeping easier. Tomorrow, I will not be sleeping easier. I will not be sleeping for the next 6 weeks (approximately).
In my naivety I thought he was safe. I thought that because he was on a base he was safer. I thought that really those "hits" don't happen as often as that. News flash: I was wrong. I guess I forgot where he was because we get to talk most days and he buys tailored suits and dvds and rugs and cleans his room and goes to the gym and hangs out with friends and does things that are basically normal (kind of) and that he'd tell me he was doing if he was in America and we were apart. I guess I just forgot that being over there can never be the same as being over here. I took for granted the fact that he appeared like he had it "relatively" easy (and relative is the important word) compared to some of the stories you hear. I really think there is a lesson in all of this. The realization that I do expect a little too much from him while he's over there. That I do expect a little too much support from him while he's over there. The realization that although things here might suck and actually be harder than what he's got going on over there (in terms of stress level in regards to work ONLY), at least I'm not being "hit". I think I needed that today (as much as it will suck to know for the next six weeks). I need to have a wake up call. I needed to make it less about me and be more understanding.
So the next 6 weeks of no sleep due to anxiety . . . will be well worth this small lesson I learned today. (And I will never forget the look on his face.)

Second Thing:
For anyone (I have a few specific people in mind) who ever dares call the Air Force the Chair Force again, please be reminded that your husbands/boyfriends/yourself have not been over there. Nope, it was vacation comparatively. So really looks like you're in the chair. (I realize this is childish, however, sometimes . . . I just like to be mad.)

I know, I know. It's been a while

The reason for this gap in posts (despite Friday's Fill-In) is probably apathy. Apathy for school, job searching, thesis nonsense, wedding planning, blogging, and really anything else that requires me to focus and make decisions.

First Thing:
Things are weird now and I have no explanation for it. They're just weird. I keep telling myself I just need to get through this week with the papers and tests I have. But then I realize that it's more than just this week. It's the next few months that I have to get through. The overwhelming and daunting task of surviving February, March, and April. The funny thing is that I'm probably more scared about what life after graduation holds than the months leading up to it. I can't decide what is more overwhelming, these next few months, or the next few after. Things are weird, for so many other reasons but I can't figure out how to say them all. Maybe I'll just continue to keep them bottled up inside my mind, not processing them or sharing them. I think it's easier that way. If they're not thought about . . . then no conclusions can be drawn and no decisions made. Yup, that sounds easier.
Thank you Food Network for keeping my company and lulling me to sleep at night.

Second Thing:
I received flowers from a wonderful someone on Friday. The lilies are beautiful but they make my room smell weird. I almost feel that out of obligation they should be mentioned in my blog. I know that I shouldn't feel like that but I do. It's unappreciative. The best thing about those flowers was the little note attached. If that's all I get, then that's what I cling to for dear life. Flowers die. That's why I think they're a waste. They are beautiful! Almost all flowers are. However, they're a lot of upkeep for no lasting results. . . you can water them as much as you want but eventually they'll get droopy and then dry up and then die. But words, well . . . even if they aren't written down, they can be remembered for a long, long time. Maybe that's why they mean so much to me. Maybe that's why four tiny little cards have meant the most to me during these last few years. Handwritten and probably not that well thought out, but it doesn't matter. the 1 1/2 by 3 inch cards seem to mean the most. I know this song is kind of sad but I love it. This recording sucks a lot but it's the best one I could find. Words, somehow always mean the most.



You would have kept those words on your tongue,
If you had known the hurt they had done.
While your fists stay by, right by your side,
Your words they bruise me deep inside.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Sometimes your words are thick as lead,
You swing them strong upside my head.
But what hasn't killed has made me strong,
So I'll take my scars and move along.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Goodbye is the best way that I know,
To forgive and still be letting go.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause I know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

The Joys of January

First Thing:
I bought my tickets for Aruba today! For some reason I got really nervous before I actually clicked submit but once I did, it was really exciting. That means we're actually going to spend a week relaxing and enjoying the sun at the end of June. I also got a pretty good deal on the tickets. After checking up on ticket prices daily, I decided I was going to check prices on every airline's website, every travel website, search coupon codes, etc. Finally I found the best deal and despite having to spend roughly 5 hours at the USO in the St. Louis airport, I think it'll be an enjoyable travel experience. Did I mention I'm excited?

Second Thing:
I booked a caterer today. Steak is on the menu. Although I'm dying to have barbecue, because let me tell you Eddelmons barbecue is delicious, I'm having steak. Why? Because a certain Nate Norton loves steak and I figure it's the least I can do. Besides, it's actually quite delicious, so I'm not complaining. That means I have yet another thing crossed off my list. And it feels great. However, there is one thing I'm still nervous about. I'm almost afraid to call about it because what if i don't like the answer I'm given and what if my fear comes true? I'm almost positive I'd rather just wait until my wedding to find out because that day I'm pretty sure it'll be the last thing on my mind. I'm kind of at a loss for what to do and what to find out. Maybe I'll just wait it our or maybe I'll call and risk being upset for the next 6 months about it. Needless to say, I wanted the stockyards. That's all.

Third Thing:
I know, I know. I only have two things but if I can count to two, I can certainly count to three. Our truck does not exist anymore. It's funny to think that because my mom and sister are okay, the thing that concerns us most is that we don't have the truck anymore. If they weren't okay, we'd be more concerned with them than the truck. It kind of seems like a dream (probably because this isn't where I live most of the time) and that the truck really is in our driveway.

Goodbye Truck

Fourth Thing:
Game over. Roll Tide.

Fifth Thing:
I know, I know. This is getting ridiculous and long. I just want to comment on how I often want what I can't have. I can't be content with what I get because I just want more, or the opposite.
I just want to talk to Nate. For real. But I am loving this email tag game we've created. The question is, which one do I love more? The emails. Definitely the emails.

Lots and lots of things tonight, but today's been one of those days.