Peace

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

First Thing:

This past week has been the hardest week of my life.  Harder than when Nate left for Iraq.  My dearest grandmother passed away.  She was such a beautiful person and my heart aches without her.  I used to talk with her about every week and would look forward to seeing her every chance I got.  She taught me so much about being a godly woman, about living life, and being a good wife.  We traveled back to Colorado this week to celebrate her life and for the first time in my life I heard my grandpa cry (which was probably the hardest part of the trip).  On a lighter note, I did get to see a lot of my cousins and I mean a lot.  In the photo below, not even all of them are there. It's blurry but I'll find a better one.

When I got home, it was time to celebrate Nate's birthday.  So we did.  I bought him an assorted six-pack of his favorite beers, made pesto cavatappi (a knock off version of Noodle's & Co. found here.) because it's green, and baked Guinness chocolate cupcakes with Bailey's Irish Cream cream cheese frosting.  I made them in 1/2 pint mason jars to test it out before the wedding shower I'm hosting this weekend.  They are so good.  They are so good I could eat them every night for the rest of my life, literally.  Despite the fact that he had to report for guard at 3:30 AM on Sunday morning, he said it was the best birthday ever.  He's 26 now, which means he's on the downward slope to 30. . . . YIKES!

Today I spent the afternoon with my family and we went through my grandmother's jewelry, dividing it up among the "five girls".  I was blessed enough to end up with her wedding rings; the first one my grandfather gave my grandmother and the second one he gave her later once he saved enough money to buy her a bigger one.  We will be getting them appraised, so for now I will be wearing my grandmother's original wedding band.  It's so nice to have a special piece of her so close to me.

All I can say is . . . "it is well with my soul". That has been my comfort as of late.

Nate has been a true gentleman through all of this and has been a tremendous comfort.  I can go to sleep without him by my side and he's been so patient, kind, and comforting.  He's a special guy and I'm excited I get to spend the rest of my life with him.  I hope to be married to him for 59 years like my grandparents.

When will this sidewalk end?

First Thing (and the only thing):
This can't possibly be the end of everything that appeared so promising 12 months ago.  On this date exactly one year ago I was preparing my heart to say goodbye to my fiance for 8  months of active duty in Iraq, I was preparing my mind for 9 months of hard work towards graduating and thesis completion, and I was embracing the last months I had with my best friends.
Now my husband is here to stay for at least the next two years, thank goodness, I have a degree and nothing to show for it, and I miss the college environment and my roommates/best friends who are now all over the country.
I keep thinking that this can't possibly be the end of all that seemed so promising a year ago.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein 

There is a very long sidewalk I am walking and I can't seem to find the chalk-white arrows that will lead me to the place with the cool peppermint wind.  It feels, instead, that I am walking through the dark street winds and bends.  Everyday it is more of the same: more of the same questions.

Name:

Email:

Phone:

Address:

Previous Employment:

Education:

Blah. Blah.  Blah.

Five on Wednesday, none on Thursday, two on Friday, and Saturday provides the *wonderful* opportunity of more.  I have so many user names and passwords that I can't keep them straight.  My resumes and cover letters say Amanda Villegas Norton because my email still says villegas without a norton.
It really does seem that this sidewalk will never end.  This mundane job of  applications becomes a task I despise because of its repetitive nature and its lack of results.
A college degree literally means nothing.  All those hours I poured over my books in college to maintain that GPA and graduate with some kind of honor offers me nothing in return but the feeling of inadequacy.  I am seriously considering some sort of technical school because maybe that will give me a chance.  Maybe I can start in the construction business . . . my husband seems to be bringing home some money.
This joblessness is offering me nothing but feelings of depression and guilt.  Guilt because Nate needs to start school and I need to have a job.  I need to contribute to our little family.
I'm starting to think I should have a child. . . that way I won't feel like such a bum as a stay at home wife and I'll actually have things to do while I'm at home (besides look for jobs and thank you notes and cooking and cleaning) like take care of a child.  That will give me some sort of fulfillment as job hunting leaves me severely lacking in everything but inadequacy and guilt.
But, we can't afford that now.  So it looks like I'm out of luck.
I am tired of hearing that something will come and that God will provide.  I know that.  I really do know that and to be honest sometimes it gets annoying hearing that.  I know people don't know what else to say and I know that they are trying to console a bruised spirit.   However, I know that God always pulls through . . . but that doesn't stop the present from feeling dreary.
This is a long rambling of thoughts but it was the only way to stop the tears from coming, especially since I'm in a public place and crying accomplishes nothing.

Someday this sidewalk will end and I'll be at the place where the sun burns crimson bright.

Wasting time

First Thing:
I've been blogging a lot more lately, probably because I'm avoiding anything productive.  Except starting today I actually have to be productive.  But I'm going to start being productive after lunch and after this blog post.  I am in love with my new ipod that Nate got me.  I absolutely love it!!! 

Second Thing:
Nate's wedding band is ready for pick up today!  However, I can't pick it up until next week when I make it up to Omaha sometime.  And when my fiance come back from far away again.  (He has a tendency to leave me a lot.)  Speaking of him leaving.  After we get married and take our honeymoon and come back and settle in . . . he is going to leave me again for about 18 days.  He'll have to make up his guard days he missed while he was in Iraq and the only time he can do that is in July.  Oh well, story of our life.  18 days isn't really that long, and it'll be split up into 9 day periods.  The only thing that's different now is that we'll be married, and I'm sure that adds something to the whole missing each other thing.  Luckily, I think this will be the last time he leaves me for a while.  Thank goodness.  We've spent a week together.  We'll spend two weeks together before I go back to Texas.  Then we'll spend two weeks together right before the wedding.  That brings our actually being in the same place at the same time while we are engaged count to 7 weeks out of the 45 weeks that we will technically be engaged.  Interesting.  I kind of just want to feel engaged.  Is that too much to ask?  I guess it doesn't matter.  We'll be married and that will be a forever in the same place at the same time (mostly).

Third Thing:
I've been thinking about this for a while, but the other day Nate and I made another important decision.  We decided to see each other before the wedding.  I always wanted to wait until the moment I walked through the entrance of the church when Nate and I would see each other for the first time.  Seeing each other before and seeing each other in the church both have their perks and both have their drawbacks.  The more I thought about it, the more I was leaning toward seeing each other for the first time before the actual ceremony.

1. It will be a more intimate moment, just me, Nate, and the photographers.
2. It will save a lot of time (and a lot of stress) in the long run.
3. There will be more flexibility on location and I can get more of what I want in terms of pictures.
4. There are some really adorable "first look pictures".
5. I'll actually be able to see his face when he sees me for the first time up close, which is so much better than farther away.
6. We can kiss before the ceremony! (I don't care if that's silly.)

And so now, I feel more excited about having a first look than I did about sticking to tradition.  Mostly, I'm excited that we're under the two month mark in both date and days (past the 19th of April and past the 60 day count).  It's coming up fast.  I can't wait!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

First Thing:
I will probably lose all my hair before the semester is over (or at least by the time my thesis is due).

Second Thing:
I have the best fiance in the whole world and soon to be best husband in the whole world. He's been so patient and understanding and incredibly supportive and guess what? I get to keep him for life. Although he might not always be patient or supportive or understanding, I know he's got it in him and I know that he'll always try to be. I just have a month until he's home. And 104 days until we're the Mr. and Mrs. kind of people. And then . . . we'll be gone and away from it all (at least for a week in sunny and warm Aruba where there is nothing to do but relax and smile).

Time slips by

I will warn you that this post is a lot of rambling and kind of childish. I will also warn you that I try really hard not to complain or talk about Nate being in Iraq a lot to those who I'm not close with (or to some of those I am) but . . . most of the people who follow this blog are close friends and will put up with my antics (or patient and nice). So, I will say that yes, this is about Nate and it is about Iraq. I'm not trying to whine. I'm not trying to show off. I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me. I just need to release this anxiety and I want to share the small lesson I learned to do (that's really not that small).

First Thing:
Usually when Nate has to go all of a sudden the next time I talk to him I ask the question, "What happened or can you not tell me?" He always responds with I'll tell you when I get home and I say okay and move along with my thoughts. Today, he had to go all of a sudden and then got back on about 5 minutes later. So the usual question was asked but the usual answer was not given. He responded with, "we got hit". He then proceeded to tell me he went outside (not under cover like they are "supposed" to) and that it happens almost every day I could my stomach rise into my chest and the goosebumps cover my body and everything seemed to happen in slow motion for the next few minutes after that. My question to you, Mr. Nate Norton (because I know you read this sometimes) is, "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?" He responded with, "I guess I thought it'd be okay since we're near the end and stuff". That does not make it any less dangerous.
As a rule of thumb he does not share any dangerous things with me and I get to sleep a little easier at night. Tonight, I will not be sleeping easier. Tomorrow, I will not be sleeping easier. I will not be sleeping for the next 6 weeks (approximately).
In my naivety I thought he was safe. I thought that because he was on a base he was safer. I thought that really those "hits" don't happen as often as that. News flash: I was wrong. I guess I forgot where he was because we get to talk most days and he buys tailored suits and dvds and rugs and cleans his room and goes to the gym and hangs out with friends and does things that are basically normal (kind of) and that he'd tell me he was doing if he was in America and we were apart. I guess I just forgot that being over there can never be the same as being over here. I took for granted the fact that he appeared like he had it "relatively" easy (and relative is the important word) compared to some of the stories you hear. I really think there is a lesson in all of this. The realization that I do expect a little too much from him while he's over there. That I do expect a little too much support from him while he's over there. The realization that although things here might suck and actually be harder than what he's got going on over there (in terms of stress level in regards to work ONLY), at least I'm not being "hit". I think I needed that today (as much as it will suck to know for the next six weeks). I need to have a wake up call. I needed to make it less about me and be more understanding.
So the next 6 weeks of no sleep due to anxiety . . . will be well worth this small lesson I learned today. (And I will never forget the look on his face.)

Second Thing:
For anyone (I have a few specific people in mind) who ever dares call the Air Force the Chair Force again, please be reminded that your husbands/boyfriends/yourself have not been over there. Nope, it was vacation comparatively. So really looks like you're in the chair. (I realize this is childish, however, sometimes . . . I just like to be mad.)

Wedding

First Thing:
I hate making decisions. I absolutely hate it. I don't like deciding what to eat at a restaurant. I don't like deciding what eyeshadow to wear for the day. I don't like deciding what to do with a big group of friends and I hate, even more, making decisions concerning my wedding. Even with a few number of choices, like two, I hate deciding between them. Trying to decide my wedding venue was a headache, good thing my fiance ultimately made the final decision. However, trying to decide between two photographers is an even bigger headache! I feel so particular when it comes to the style of photography and the way the photos look and I know exactly what I want. I've gone through so many photographers and been told no by so many people (mainly my mother and fiance) that this task seems like it will never be accomplished. It's even more difficult to make decisions when one of the key players in this is a million miles away and the other two key players are a thousand miles away. Really, just making decisions drives me crazy because what if one is better than the other and chose the lesser of the two? Then again how will I ever know? It makes things so hard. Right now I'm stuck in the middle of two choices, but luckily I still have about a month and a half left to make this final decisions . . . . I just wish someone else would make it for me.
Second Thing:
It's snowing again! I hope it keeps snowing all through the night and into the morning and then I hope it BLIZZARDS because then I wouldn't have to leave my room all day tomorrow and I could sit and write my Spanish paper and I can sit and watch the snow fall. And I could sit and drink coffee and eat Christmas sugar cookies (but not too many).
And to conclude, cake and ice cream flavored ice cream, serving for one is delicious and the perfect way to end a delicious Italian dinner.